


New Beginnings

by Allie1804



Category: American (US) Actor RPF
Genre: Ectopic Pregnancy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Infertility, Romance, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:48:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allie1804/pseuds/Allie1804
Summary: Keanu is dating Emily a 37 year old scriptwriter. One day their desire to have a family together is  sparked and a rocky journey to that destination begins.
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

LA  
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in May and the party was in full swing with people spilling out from the house onto the patio which bordered a large garden. The soundtrack outside was a hubbub of adult voices mingling with the excited screams and laughter of small children running about through a water sprinkler in the sunshine. Inside the house, the volume was lower and there was a decidedly female skew to the voices which oohed and aahed over a tiny baby, just 1 week old.

  


Emily and her boyfriend Keanu had just arrived at the party being held at their good friend’s John and Chloe’s home - the couple were holding a birthday party for their 4 year old son Jamie who was Emily’s godson. Chloe steered them through to the kitchen to get them a drink and say hi to John who was getting ready to barbecue. As they wandered out to the patio, Keanu was almost knocked flying by the whirlwind that was little Jamie, shouting out his name excitedly and throwing his arms around his legs.

  


“hey little guy, happy birthday!” Keanu greeted him warmly. The two had a strong bond. Ever since he’d been going out with Emily and been introduced to Chloe, her best friend from college about a year before, he’d hit it off with Jamie and they’d babysat him quite often to give his parents a break. Storytime with Keanu was Jamie’s favourite thing and they’d bought him a gift which followed that theme.  
“are we allowed to give him his present yet?” Keanu asked Chloe, keen to see if he liked it.  
  
“Sure, we decided to let him do it individually rather than have a long session opening everything so that’s fine”  
  
“You want your present now Jamie?” Keanu asked lifting him up in his arms.  
  
“Yeah” Jamie shouted throwing his arms in the air in excitement.  
  
“All right” Keanu agreed, walking over to a bench in a quieter area of the patio, setting the little guy down and beckoning over to Emily to bring the gift she was still carrying. Jamie tore open the parcel with enthusiasm, revealing a plush toy monkey and the book “Monkey See Monkey Do”  
  
“Cool, thankyou Uncle Keanu and Aunty Emily” he said politely. He called them aunt and uncle even though they weren’t.  
  
“Will you read it to me?”  
  
This was directed at Keanu who looked up at Emily as he answered.  
  
“yes sure – you go and see your girlfriends hun, I’ll stay here and read with Jamie”  
  
Keanu lifted Jamie onto his knee and opened the book, starting to read and do actions with the toy. Emily wandered back to the house and through to the quieter living room where several women were still taking turns holding the new born.  
  
Emily softly greeted her friends not wanting to disturb the baby. Emily was a screenwriter and most of the group were connected through either their work or their studies several years earlier at UCLA. Emily had recently turned 37 and was well established as a writer, mainly for films though she sometimes made a foray into TV which was how she’d met Keanu when she was working on a script for a show called “Rain” around a year earlier. Half her cohort of friends were fully involved in their careers and another half, like Chloe had started families. Sam was the latest to join the mummies group and it was her little boy Jake that was inspiring all the cooing of the ladies, even those like Emily who had no children yet and didn’t even know if she ever would want them.  
  
“Do you wanna hold him Emily?” Katie, who was currently having her cuddle on the sofa, asked her.  
  
“Sure but don’t, you know, disturb him or anything. Knowing me, you’ll hand him over and he’ll start crying!”  
  
“Nahh – he’s just been fed and is super chilled out”  
  
Sam nodded “She’s right, he seems pretty chill most of the time but after a feed he’s super chill, come on sit here and Katie can slide him over”  
  
Emily acquiesced and sat alongside Katie, making a cradle shape with her arms ready for the baby.  
  
As Katie manoeuvered little Jake across to Emily, she felt his weight in her lap and his warmth seep into her chest. As she breathed in his baby smell, something inside felt different from any other time she’d held a baby in her arms. She remembered a story from her childhood about a dragon called Ignis who was frustrated because he couldn’t yet breathe fire. Once the spark from a volcano had got inside and lit his fire, he felt the warmth spread through him and bring him to full life. Right then as she looked down at Jake, she felt that same kind of spark within. She took a sharp breath in trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill out.  
  
“Ahh there she is” a deep voice spoke. It was Keanu who’d finished his story-time with Jamie and had just come in to find Emily, the little lad still on his hip.  
  
Emily looked up and smiled brightly, tamping down the emotion but it was still palpable to Katie who looked from Keanu to Emily with a knowing smile.  
  
“These guys will be next, mark my words” she teased looking from one to the other, each with children hugged close to their bodies”  
  
Both Emily and Keanu blushed and he laughed, his hand over his mouth. “I don’t know about that. Anyway John told me to come and tell you guys that food is ready out on the patio”  
  
Most of the ladies got up and Emily passed little Jake back to Sam, offering to bring her a plate to save disturbing the baby. Keanu grabbed her hand and they went out to get food. Once Emily had taken Sam her food, they mingled with the other guests for the rest of the party and tried to put the awkward moment out of their minds though the subject was never far from Keanu’s thoughts as they chatted to the other guests.  
  
He was almost 20 years her senior but when they’d met through the script she was writing, he’d felt an instant attraction. He’d dared to ask her out and was delighted when she’d said yes. After only a few dates, he knew it was getting serious for him and he told her he’d understand if she thought it was best to bow out now because of the age gap. He didn’t want to trap her in something she would want to escape later on. Her reaction was etched in his memory. Her hand cupping his cheek she’d laid her heart on the line  
  
“Keanu, I, … I think I’m falling in love with you and, frankly I couldn’t care less about your age, I just want to be with you. Is that OK?”  
  
His lips had crashed to hers in an instant and they’d not looked back since. They had talked about whether she wanted kids and she’d said then, at 35 that, whilst she knew her body clock was ticking on, she still wasn’t sure if she wanted them or not. He was happy either way and if she did decide she wanted them she’d be open to alternative ways to parent than having their own kids. There was no pressure on either of them.  
But that day at the party, everything changed.


	2. Chapter 2

The journey home from the party was quiet – they were both a little lost in their own thoughts. 

As they’d eaten in the afternoon at the party, they decided to open a bottle of red and take a small tray of cheese and snacks out to the patio as a supper. As they sipped their wine, Keanu was first to broach the “elephant in the room”

“So that was a bit of a moment when Katie said she thinks we’ll be next right?”

“mmmm” Emily agreed meeting his eyes “did it freak you out?”

“kind of” he acknowledged, quickly adding “not because I DON’T want that, more because …..” he paused trying to read her thoughts, gauge how she might respond. Sensing they were on the same page, he ploughed on, taking her hand in his “but because I realised how much I wished she was right”

“really?” she whispered, meeting his gaze

“uh huh, I’d just been having the most marvellous time reading to Jamie and I came in to see the beautiful sight of you holding little Jake and I saw something in your eyes ………..am I wrong?”

She laughed a little and shook her head “no”

“no you’re not wrong ….. I kind of had a moment there with little Jake. Kind of an “ovaries screaming vibe!” she blushed and he chuckled.

“I don’t know what the male equivalent of that is, but I know I’d love to have my own kid hang on my every word and action like Jamie does.” he admitted.

“Do you think we could do it?” he asked, I mean maybe it won’t be such a breeze to get pregnant and what about the chances of it going wrong ……..”

The sentence hung in the air with the weight of his past loss.

“listen if it’s too much darling we could try other options” she said, struggling to hide her crestfallen expression at the thought of not being able to get pregnant.

“No, no, I won’t let my anxieties from the past stand in the way of you having your chance to carry a child – but maybe we should have a check up. We have to be realistic about the risks right?”

“yes you’re probably right. And we have to accept that this would mean a big change in focus. I mean we couldn’t take on some of the soul sucking projects that we have in the past year if we had a kid”

“True, true – but I still think it would be worth it don’t you?”

Emily nodded emphatically, getting up from her chair and climbing into his lap so she could hug him.

“let’s get a check up - nothing too intense yeah? I’ll come off the pill and we’ll see where that takes us OK?

“OK, wanna go get some practice?” he laughed

“any time” she replied happily”  
\-------------------------------------------  
Initially, they took the new situation in their stride, not thinking too much about any strategy to get pregnant like timing the sex exactly right. Their first night of unprotected sex was tender, the connection profound. It was just a couple of weeks after that talk on the patio. Emily had taken her last pill the week before and her period had finished that day.  
In the evening as she stood in the bathroom cleaning her teeth, Keanu had come up behind her circling his arms around her waist, meeting her eyes in the mirror before bringing his soft lips to her neck and sucking gently as he rubbed his hands down towards her panties, pressing his semi erect cock into her back. She giggled, her toothbrush still buzzing in her mouth, protesting as she needed to spit! He released her and they both finished their bedtime preparations after which he took her by the hand and led her to the bedroom.

“This is the first time right? That we have a chance to make a baby?” he stated.

“Uh huh”. She smiled brushing his cheek with the back of her fingers “love you so much”

He sighed, closing his eyes “you too sweetheart”

He pulled her close to him, kissing her softly yet deeply, a low moan rising in his throat as their tongues circled each other. His cock pressed urgently against her belly and she felt wetness pooling in her panties as his fingers slid inside and separated her folds , starting a slow rhythmic circling of her clit. She threw her head back in pleasure. The juices flowing out of her over his fingers were driving Keanu wild and he quickly undressed himself then her before lifting her up and placing her down on the bed and climbing on top of her. His mouth claimed hers in another passionate kiss as his cock made his desperate need known, pressing against her entrance. He lifted his head:

“ready?”

“what do you think?”” she exclaimed

He growled and angled himself so the tip started to push inside - their moans were loud as the pleasure coursed through them. Keanu’s thrusts were slow and sure at first, his mouth not leaving hers but soon he broke their kiss, lifting up and grunting as his pace increased. Emily was moaning too as with each thrust his cock rubbed over her G spot bringing her orgasm closer.   
Sweat beads formed on his face as the heat inside her seemed to go up a few notches and her whimpers grew louder.

“Do it” she exclaimed.

Keanu knew just what she wanted with that instruction, moving quickly to put a hand under her butt to adjust the angle of his thrusts to increase the pressure on her g spot then licking his thumb and moving it gently over her clit. The pace and depth of his thrusts subtly increased too, the tip pressing on her cervix and then a cacophony of “oh gods” and “yes’s” filled the room as their orgasms broke over them together. Loud groans took over, then breathless gulps for air as he laid his sweating brow on her chest and she petted his hair. He lifted his head and smiled gently  
“fingers crossed I guess” she said kissing him softly. 


	3. Chapter 3

6 months later (November)

It was a Saturday morning at around 9 when Emily stirred from her slumber, easing out from under Keanu’s grasp to go to the bathroom. As she wiped herself after taking a leak, she felt the tell-tale sign that her period had started. She drew a shaky breath and tried to get herself under control but it was no good. Anger and sadness filled her with bitterness. She knew rationally that this could take a while and 6 months was nothing in the scheme of things but it was relentless having the monthly reminder that they had failed again. She decided on a hot shower to soothe her tension away and got up from the toilet to turn the water on.

“think positive thoughts” she berated herself as the water tumbled down “you have a girly lunch with Chloe today, that will cheer you up and maybe you can talk over these raging feelings with her”

As she washed the shampoo suds out of her hair she heard the shower door slide open and Keanu stepped in behind her immediately wrapping his arms around her.

“Morning sweethe…. don’t” she interrupted her greeting, yelping as his fingers had started to trail to her opening”

“What?, I thought you liked that!”

“I do, usually - sorry love, it’s just, you don’t wanna go there, I just got my period” she huffed, looking up at him over her shoulder with sad eyes”

He pulled her round to face him and hugged her close.

“Try not to worry, darling, we’ll get there, it just sometimes takes a while I guess”

Emily nodded back, a stray tear leaking out which he smoothed away with his thumb.

“Don’t you have plans today? Lunch with Chloe on the Drive right?”

“Yeah, what are you doing?”

“biking and lunch with the boys – be back around 5 I expect”

Over breakfast Chloe started on a topic she didn’t think would go down well with Keanu but she couldn’t stop herself

“Do you think we should maybe do anything different, you know to help our chances?”

“like what?”

“Well maybe like trying to be a bit healthier?”

“We are healthy, aren’t we? – I mean we eat well. Don’t drink that much……….. oh I see where this is going. So this is my fault now because I smoke right?”

“I never said it was anyone’s fault Ke – I just want to move ahead and maybe that might help. Listen, you don’t have to give anything up. It’s just an idea is all”

Keanu stepped around the kitchen island. His face was contrite as he wrapped his arms around her gently.

“I’m sorry, I over-reacted. I know this is especially hard on you ….”

“Oh so it’s OK for you because you don’t really mind either way huh?”

“Jesus Christ woman, no that’s not what I meant. I just meant everything feels focussed on your body – if we succeed, you’ll be sick and all that and when we don’t succeed you have the reminder of your period driving you crazy, that’s all I meant! And if you recall, it was me who brought up the idea first, not you so don’t say I don’t want this!”

“God sorry, sorry – I’m just crabby. Ignore me”

He hugged her to him “take a taxi to lunch, go drink espresso martinis, champagne – whatever you want. Take my American Express card and go shopping on Rodeo Drive after!”

She laughed and hugged him back. 

“Good plan Reeves – I might take you up on that”

They puttered around the house getting ready for their respective trips both looking forward to time with other people after the tension of the morning.

Emily met with Chloe at 208 Rodeo at noon hugging her tightly.

“Boy, I really, really need this” she exclaimed. I’m gonna drink myself a little bit silly then take you up to the shops on the drive and exploit my boyfriend’s credit card, deal?”

“Sure” Chloe said brightly though Emily caught the whisper of hesitation in her manner. Brushing it off, they headed in to get their table by the window.

“So how’s tricks?” Emily asked

“No, no you first, you’ve always got more interesting things going on than me” Chloe protested.

“Well if interesting is getting my period again then your life must be really dull!” Emily grimaced.

Chloe was the only person she’d trusted with the secret that she and Keanu were trying for a baby and for the first 5 months she’d sent ‘crying face’ emoji’s to Chloe each month when the bad news came.

The waitress came back just as Chloe had taken Emily’s hand in hers giving it a squeeze, a pained look on her face.

“2 espresso martinis to start us off ” Emily exclaimed.

“no no not for me Chloe exclaimed. Just a white wine spritzer. I can’t take the hard stuff at lunch.

“Spoil sport” Emily pouted.

Their drinks came and they placed their orders for lunch, settling back to their prior conversation.

“Listen, Em, you’ll get there in the end. It’s just random luck you know. It took ages, you know like well over a year for Jamie and” she paused

“and what?”

“and nothing, I just mean it can take a while. I know it’s super frustrating but, you know it can’t be so bad doing the deed with him can it”

Emily giggled and blushed

“Ok, ok you got me there. I’ll try to chill but I guess it’s just starting to grate and then I end up looking for advice on the internet and this morning I brought up his smoking ….”

“Oh! and how did that go?”

“badly I’d say, he got real defensive, then guilty. I was just so tetchy – my period came this morning and I’d started to hope some of my now obviously pre-menstrual symptoms were, you know, symptoms!”

“It’s such a bitch that they are basically the same symptoms right?” Chloe sympathised.

“thank god I have you to talk to. I think I’d go completely crazy without you. So, do you think I overstepped mentioning his smoking? I guess I forgot that it took you a year to get pregnant with Jamie. Did you and John ever fall out over it?”

Chloe laughed a little nervously.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry….”

“hey, no it’s OK – where shall I start. Errm yes we fell out – I got kind of obsessed you know with the optimum conditions and he felt like I only wanted sex for making a baby you know. It’s so hard to 

chill and not to wonder why it’s not worked but listen, it’ll probably just fall into place when you least expect it” Chloe looked away through the restaurant window, a frown crossing her face.

“You OK hun?” Emily asked, “you seem kind of distracted today”

“I guess I am, distracted I mean”

Emily looked questioningly at Chloe

“so what’s up”

“Hun, I have something to tell you and I know it’s not going to be easy and given what we’ve been discussing, it’s going to hurt …..”

Chloe’s eyes were filled with tears as she watched the realisation slowly dawn on Emily’s face.

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?”

Chloe nodded slowly reaching out her hand to Emily’s – Emily tried to pull away at first but Chloe grasped her fingers

“you know I didn’t do this to hurt you, we only just started trying….”

“you think that fact makes me feel better!?” Emily spat back at her, snatching her hand away now, anger flashing in her eyes

“no, no I just mean I thought about how it might be if I got pregnant first but after Jamie I was just sure you’d fall first and it wouldn’t be ….like this” she gulped down a sob “please don’t hate me Em!”

Emily took a shaky hold of her drink and gulped it down then just stared at the table for what seemed like several long minutes to Chloe. Emily battled with herself, wanting to run away and die in a ditch but knowing she needed Chloe too and she still had a tiny rational voice telling her this was just bad luck for her and not a deliberate act of spite by Chloe and John. She took a deep breath and looked Chloe in the eye at last.

“Congratulations” she smiled tightly. “I’m not gonna lie, this is , err painful for me but I know it shouldn’t be. Honestly, I’m happy for you, it will be great for Jamie to have a brother or sister”

“Thanks Em … I love you, you know?”

“I know” Em sniffed. 

Their lunches arrived giving them the opportunity to just digest this new change in their lives. Eventually Emily spoke, sticking to the same theme.

“So” Emily began “do you have any top tips for how I’m gonna make it through this without going completely bat-shit crazy?”

“not sure I’m the best person to ask somehow, given the amount of times I took ovulation tests and my temperature when we were trying with Jamie.

Emily chuckled. 

“I’ve been telling myself not to go there but now it’s getting very tempting. Especially as I am pretty sure we’re gonna miss some opportunities soon coz Keanu’s off on a 6 week shoot in January. 

“well I can’t stop you going there and I know only too well that telling you to relax is just stupid. But maybe just try to have as much other stuff going on to think about, you know. I’m not saying that it will make conceiving more likely, but it might just stop you going bonkers! And I know this doesn’t really apply to you, but we ended up deciding to spend a bunch of our savings on a trip – do you remember when we went to Paris and stayed in the Georges V?

“yeah, yeah I do – why did you think that would help?!”

“I think we just thought screw it, we deserve something nice and maybe fate’s sense of irony would grant us a pregnancy the minute we’d run our savings down and couldn’t really afford a child!”

“And did it work?”

“yeah I guess so, I think we went on that trip in the June and we were pregnant by end July!”

“maybe I should get Keanu to donate all his money to charity then!”

“nahhh don’t do that - but hey a holiday might be a good thing. What else do you have going on?”

“I’ve got some re-writes on a couple of movies and Keanu’s TV thing is back on the table so I’ve got some deadlines to keep me busy”

Their lunch continued and they even went and did a little shopping in the upscale stores on Rodeo Drive. Emily was back home by 5 and Keanu arrived shortly after.

“Did you have fun sweetie” he asked “looks like you got in some retail therapy too, huh?” he said noting the bags on the floor.

“yeah thanks, I did” she said quietly

“you sure, you don’t look too happy ………… is Chloe OK?”

“Yup, Chloe is fine …… Chloe is pregnant!”

“oh!”

“yes, oh”

“I don’t know what to say”

“It’s OK, we didn’t fight or anything, in fact talking to her was useful - but I can’t deny at first I wanted to curl up and die!”

“Come ‘ere” He pulled her into a tight hug.

“It’ll be OK hun, we’ll get there ……. And if we don’t we have each other right?”

Emily nodded sadly

“you don’t have to look so thrilled at the idea of just me!” he huffed

“sorry, I know you’re right and I love you, you know I do, but I, I just really want this you know and I’m not ready to think about it not happening, not just yet OK?”

“OK, me neither”


	4. Chapter 4

After her lunch with Chloe, Emily had every intention of avoiding some of the pitfalls that her friend had mentioned but she still bought an ovulation kit for her cycles running up to Christmas and joined an internet forum for women trying to conceive. She struggled to be as upbeat as she would normally be with Christmas preparations and, if she was honest she avoided seeing Chloe both on her own and with groups of girlfriends not wanting to see the physical reminder of her baby bump or to try to disguise her pain when everyone was excitedly talking about their family going from 3 to 4. 

She managed to keep Thanksgiving focussed on Keanu’s family, her own being based in New York and at least that meant no babies or talk of babies but she wasn’t so lucky with Christmas and New Year. It was a real strain to get through especially some of the gatherings as another month had been and gone with no pregnancy. New Years was the hardest with Keanu pulling her up when they got home after the party about being what he said was her noticeably unenthusiastic reaction to conversations about Chloe’s forthcoming baby.

“Aren’t you happy for her, Em, I mean she’s your best friend!”

“I know you think I’m a horrible person, we can’t all be perfect like you, you know?”

“I don’t think you’re horrible and I’m not perfect damn it, but I can see you’re hurting her”  
Emily’s shoulders sagged and she sank down onto the sofa, head in hands. A sob escaped her lips and Keanu was next to her straight away, pulling her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, please don’t cry”

“No you’re right, I wasn’t there for her and I should be. And I am happy for her I promise, it’s just sometimes” another sob choked her “I’m so sad for me, for us, that the balance is all off, you know and the happy me won’t shine through”

She met his eyes, the tears rolling down her face.

“do you see?”

He nodded and hugged her close.

“maybe just tell her that, let her know so you don’t damage your friendship OK? It’s important.

“Be excellent to each other right” she smiled at him through her tears

“right” he grinned.

Keanu left on 4th January. On 6th Emily woke up to find her period had started in the night and ruined the sheets. In a fury she’d ripped them and then binned them not caring that they would have washed fine nor about wasting high quality Egyptian cotton sheets. She spent the day watching junk on TV, barely eating then come evening, she started on the gin, getting through half a bottle by the time Keanu called to check in.

“are you drunk?” he’d laughed “while the cat’s away I guess – thought we were gonna be ….” His words tailed off as it dawned on him that the only reason Emily would have reneged on a shared resolution they’d made to cut down on alcohol would be if she knew there was no chance she was pregnant.

“Fuck, your period came right?”

“yup, again!” she slurred. 

“I’m sorry I’m not there honey. Wish I was holding you now or just getting drunk with you now”

“I do too” she sniffed.

“just don’t drink any more right, I worry about you there all alone”

“just have to try again when you’re back right – unless you can fly home in 2 weeks for a quickie!”

He promised to try but as it turned out, he was too busy and then shooting got delayed due to bad weather. That meant they extended the shoot to a 7th week and 2 cycles went by with no trying. The argument that had ensued when he told her he wouldn’t be back the 2nd time was explosive and when he returned, a couple of days after ovulation, frosty was the only word to describe the reception he got. Several days went by before they made love which was unheard of – usually they would be all over each other the minute he got through the door but he knew not to try from the look on her face. 

A week or so after his return things seemed a little better between them though Keanu swore he spotted the odd sideways look if he overindulged on wine or whiskey in the evening or when he went out on the patio for a smoke. March came around and around the 10th, he noted a sudden increase in tiredness on Emily’s part whenever he wanted sex. They’d got back to making love most nights and sometimes fitting in lazy morning sex too since his return from the shoot so her sudden unexplained reluctance was frustrating. As they lay there one night, her with her back to him, he dared to broach the subject.

“Have I done something wrong Em? We’ve gone from behaving like your classic honeymooners to an old married couple in a matter of days!”

She was silent for a moment before softly saying

“Promise you won’t be angry if I tell you?” 

”Pinky promise!”

She rolled over onto her back and spoke to the ceiling, feeling embarrassed and a little fearful of his reaction.

“I’ve been monitoring my cycles, trying to see when I ovulate so, you know, we get the timing right and maximise our chances”

“Surely if we just do it a lot the chances are better right?”

She shook her head ‘no’ 

“no it’s better if you save it up for a few days and you know, give me your best shot at the right time - at least for the first one. You can do it again every day for a couple of days but the first one has the best chance” 

“oh right, so now’s not the time to tell you I’ve been going to the bathroom and jerking off when you turn me down!”

Emily’s eyes widened in shock “ You wh….”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! I just couldn’t figure out this whole feast and famine routine! So when are you going to be all ripe and ready for me then?” he teased.

“tomorrow I hope” she replied.

“Oh goodie”

There was no denying the sex when it came was good and a welcome relief of tension for them both but, at the same time she couldn’t help but notice something rougher, almost angry about the way he pounded her. On one occasion he’d insisted they do it doggy style first

“don’t worry, I’ll finish on top so you get your shot and keep it in” he’d practically hissed. 

Afterwards they hadn’t lain in tender closeness together like usual and she found herself wishing even harder for success so their love life could be about love again and not babies.


	5. Chapter 5

April came along with another period and her girlfriends wanting her to help plan a baby shower for Chloe the following month. She lied and told them she had too many work deadlines, desperate to get out of it – she was slipping into depression. Keanu did his best to comfort her and raise her spirits but things were getting way out of hand. It started to sink in that she needed help when he took a call from her agent asking where some material was that was a week past its deadline. He covered for her, telling her what Emily had told him for the past 2 days that she’d lain in bed – that she had a stomach bug - but he knew it wasn’t physical sickness ailing her. It fully struck him on the 3rd day when he was looking for some paperwork in their office and he found temperature and ovulation charts that Emily had done even whilst he was on the shoot and there was basically no need for them. She was obsessed.

He sighed, made a cup of tea and took it to her in the bedroom.

“Can we talk?” he asked gently 

“mmmm” she said sleepily, taking the tea from him.

“I think we should take a break”

“from what? Each other?”

“God no, no I mean some time away, and maybe some time not thinking about the whole baby thing if we can. I don’t mean stop trying but I think, I think it’s making you sick, sick in your soul and it’s,” He ran his hand through his hair struggling to find the right words “the stress it’s too much. I took a call yesterday from your agent and she said you’d missed a deadline. That’s not like you. I think maybe we should get some help.”

“you mean fertility treatment?” 

“Maybe but I was thinking more about counselling. And maybe a health check if you like? If it will reassure you” 

“Maybe you’re right. I know I can’t go on like this” she said sadly

“where would you like to go? We can go anywhere, anywhere in the world, no expense spared”  
Emily thought for a moment

“Taormina, in Sicily and specifically the Hotel San Domenico”

“Wow that’s a very precise request!”

“Don’t you remember that film I showed you with Rosanna Arquette, Jean-Marc Barr and Jean Reno? The one about free diving?”

“The Big Blue?”

“Yeah – The hotel San Domenico is where they stay, I’ve always, always wanted to go there but it was way out of my budget. And I wanna find the restaurant where they have spaghetti frutti del mare on the terrace overlooking the sea.” 

“your wish is my command!” he smiled. 

10 days later they found themselves sitting at that very restaurant from the film - La Scogliera Restaurant in Capo Taormina. Emily hadn’t been able to resist ordering the sea-food spaghetti that they ate in the film though Keanu had gone for the grilled fish. As they sat back after their meal, Emily leaned back in her chair eyes shut, letting the sun warm her skin.

“you seem more relaxed than you have in a long time love” Keanu said softly brushing her cheek with the back of his fingers. She leaned into his touch, sighing with pleasure.

“I am” she said, opening her eyes, a sweet smile gracing her lips. “Thank you for bringing me here, for getting me to get off the treadmill for a while , oh and for spending a small fortune on the best suite in the hotel!”

Keanu had booked the Garden Suite, which had a rooftop terrace and mini pool setting them back around $1900 a night. It was a drop in the ocean to him though he didn’t usually go so upscale but he wanted perfection for this trip. Emily deserved the best.

“You’re worth every penny – and you can’t take it with you can you! And we both needed the break I think, from everything, not just from that stress but from work and deadlines too”

“mmmm makes me not want to go back !”

“I know, but we have to hun, but we’ll be OK, we’ll book in with that counsellor right? The one I saw after Ava and Jen, she was good”

Emily nodded, they’d talked a lot already during this trip about their fears and worries and even their aggravations with each other but it still felt like they would benefit from some professional help to cope with where they found themselves. Whilst it was sad to leave after their week’s hideaway, they both felt much more ‘on the same page’ and ready to get back to reality.


	6. Chapter 6

Back in LA, May arrived and Emily agreed with her agent to take on a new project. She was trying very hard to re-balance her focus, doing more exercise and reconnecting with friends including Chloe who was now 8 months along in her pregnancy. She and Keanu started the counselling sessions which included some sessions together and some alone. Being able to voice their hopes and fears together helped and airing darker thoughts separately made it less daunting for them both to open up.

Keanu agreed to try to stop smoking or at the very least cut right back and they both agreed to reduce their drinking. Emily also put away the charts, thermometer and ovulation tests. Counselling had let her see these as part of becoming obsessed with getting pregnant and she had shared her fears about that meaning she wasn’t able to be a good partner to Keanu.

At the same time, they also focussed more on having some little pleasures to look forward to in between work and whilst they weren’t going to stop trying, they hoped to put it more in the background while they enjoyed themselves on day trips or weekends away. A key thing they had also both agreed on was that sex needed to be about making love not just making a baby. 

Some of the weight of worry was off their shoulders and Emily smiled as she packed a bag ready for a long weekend up in Sonoma county at the Lambert Ridge Winery. Keanu had been there with Arch owners and said it was just the get-away they needed. Yes it was a winery but they weren’t being teetotal so a weekend away there was allowed! She remembered her conversation with Chloe about tricking the fates into allowing her to get pregnant – maybe this trip would work the same way for them as the Hotel George V had for Chloe and John.

The trip has been wonderful. There was a wonderful tasting and education session where they hung out with a tutor and a group of other patrons tasting different wines and learning how to identify different scents and flavours. There was good food, walks in the woods and some mind blowing sex on their last day. They’d basically spent the entire morning on one session, Emily lost count of the orgasms she had from his hands and tongue before he finally fucked her until she had what felt like an out of body experience as she came, his cock filling her and his thumb pulsing on her clit. The sensation was an all-encompassing thrill as she watched him let go too. Afterwards was almost as good as they just lay under the breeze from the ceiling fan, their fingers drawing lazy circles on each other’s cooling skin as they recovered.

“Never stop doing this part” she said softly

“Never” he agreed kissing her gently. 

June came around and Emily was on edge every day waiting to hear from Chloe as she and Keanu would be looking after Jamie when time came for her delivery. The call came on 6th at 11pm, and they hurried over to Chloe and John’s having agreed it would be easier on Jamie to stay in his own home while they were gone. The labour went right through the day of 7th with slow progress for Chloe. She’d had a C-section for Jamie and was hoping she might be able to deliver naturally this time but it wasn’t to be this time either and she had another section on the morning of 8th delivering a girl they named Rosie. Keanu and Emily were finally able to hand over to John that evening returning home with some take out Chinese to enjoy. 

As they lay back on the sofa watching TV, Emily was scrolling through her calendar on her phone when she gasped.

“what?”

“I’m late!” she said

“late?”

She nodded vigorously, “late for my period, at least a week” I haven’t been focussed on it what with Chloe’s baby arriving”

“Oh my god, do you have a test here?”

Emily gulped and nodded, going a bit pale.

“well come on, let’s see, Emily this might be what we’ve been waiting for!”

They went to the bathroom and found the test in the cabinet. She sat on the toilet to pee on the stick then set it down upside down and Keanu set a timer on his phone, sitting on the edge of the bath while they waited.

The tension was palpable as they waited in silence and they both jumped when the alarm went off.

“Ready” he asked.

She nodded, picking up the stick and turning it over to reveal two faint blue lines.

“Oh my god, it’s positive – it’s kind of faint though don’t you think?”

“I’ve never seen one before in real life” he said

She giggled

“Me neither, I probably don’t know what I’m talking about”

“Em, Em we did it, we’re going to have a baby!” he practically shouted, throwing his arms around her. Tears of relief were falling when Emily pulled back to look at him.

“yes we are!”

The next week passed in a daze. Emily made an appointment to see her OBGYN and Keanu seemed to be on cloud 9 as well as super concerned that she was OK. Truth be told, Emily didn’t feel well but she couldn’t put her finger on what it was. It wasn’t morning sickness but she just didn’t feel well in herself.

On 15th, Keanu had a script read through in the morning and he left her sleeping in bed. When she woke up she was burning up and confirmed quickly that she was running a temperature. She was unsure what to do, not wanting to take any medication given the pregnancy. She went to the bathroom thinking a cool shower might help. To her horror, when she went to pee, she saw she had some spotting. It was only light and she tried to stay calm but she had a sinking feeling that all wasn’t well.

By lunchtime she’d started to get abdominal pain and a pain in her shoulder. By the time Keanu returned she was bent over the sofa in pain. He took one look at her, his heart thumping a mile a minute and sprung into action to take her straight to hospital.

In the ER they said the symptoms suggested an ectopic pregnancy where the egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube, not making it to the womb and causes extreme pain. This was soon confirmed when the obstetrics specialist arrived to do a scan. Emily was rushed to surgery to remove the baby in the course of which she lost her left fallopian tube.  
Keanu was left reeling. They showed him to a private room where he could wait and he called his sister for moral support. Karina came straight there and sat with him until Emily came out of surgery and was moved to a private room.

Keanu sat and held her hand until she came round but she was still very woozy. Not so much that she didn’t know what had happened and she kept saying how sorry she was as the tears flowed for both of them.

The next morning, their doctor came to see them and explained what had happened and what it meant for the future. Their chances were significantly reduced though not by half. Still if it had taken a year to get pregnant with 2 tubes Emily didn’t want to think about how long it might take to achieve another pregnancy. 

As they both shed quiet tears, Keanu felt helpless - like all he could do was hold her hand, part of him wishing he’d never asked her if she wanted to go for it after that day at the party.

Back home after she was released from hospital, he tucked her into bed and they lay holding each other, crying until their tears ran dry.   
The next morning over breakfast Emily had made a decision. 

‘let’s stop, please let’s just stop and go back to how we were, I can’t take it anymore’

‘you wanna go on birth control again?’

‘’yeah, at least for now, I’m too scared of the same thing happening again”

“Ok” he said quiet and sad “OK”


	7. Chapter 7

Warnings : mentions of loss, grieving and some explicit content

For the first few days Emily convalesced after the surgery and they didn’t leave home. They had only told a few people about the pregnancy (Keanu’s mum, her parents, Karina, Chloe) but so far Karina was the only one who knew what had happened. She’d obviously told their mother and had offered to make the other calls but Keanu said he’d do it. 4 days later he still hadn’t faced up to it. He didn’t quite know how to form the words in his mouth. Just thinking about it made his stomach churn and brought the trauma of this loss AND of his daughter over 20 years before back in living colour. The hospital rooms, the doctors’ words.   
Emily was facing similar struggles. She spent most of the time in bed but restful sleep was hard to come by and she too kept reliving the pain and the shock of discovering the pregnancy wasn’t viable. 

Toward the end of the week he was forced to deal with it though. They were dozing in bed at just after 9 when Emily’s phone rang.

“What?” he heard her whisper as she listened to the voice on the phone.

“No, I’m not there because my baby is dead” she hissed.

He reached over and grabbed the phone from her realising what must have happened. They had been due to go for the first scan that morning but somehow the system hadn’t caught up with the obstetrics department to let them know about the ectopic pregnancy.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing calling here?” he berated the poor woman on the phone, don’t you have proper communication channels, it’s been 4 days!” 

Emily could hear the beginnings of a flustered apology from the woman but it was quickly cut off as Keanu ended the call, immediately feeling terrible for unleashing his anger on someone whose fault it clearly wasn’t.

He sat up and sighed, pulling Emily to his chest.

“I’m gonna have to make those calls today. Chloe and your mum will be expecting us to check in”

Emily just sniffed acknowledging that this was the next step they had to take.

“Can we go back to the counsellor” she asked “I think we probably need some help dealing with this ……….. rage.”

“yeah, I’ll call her too. If I don’t I’m just gonna hurt someone or something!”

Chloe got a taxi over as soon as she heard the news, leaving Rosie and Jamie with John. She couldn’t drive yet because of having a C-section but she didn’t want to wait to offer some comfort to one of her oldest friends. When she got there, she just climbed into bed with Emily, wrapped her arms around her and held her friend, letting her cry it out.

OCTOBER

The next 3 months had been tough and sometimes just one day seemed to pass agonisingly slowly but gradually their lives felt like they were getting back on track. Accepting that they’d likely never have their own biological children was a harsh reality to face especially when close friends like Chloe and John had already completed their families, watching their children grow and take on their physical and personality traits. 

Babysitting for Chloe and John had been one of the biggest milestones they’d faced along the way. The image of Emily sitting on the sofa at Chloe and John’s house giving Rosie her bedtime bottle was seared into Keanu’s mind, making him remember the day Emily had held Jake and felt the pull inside to have her own child. They’d talked the idea through with the counsellor before offering to babysit. It almost felt like doing it would cauterise a wound. The counsellor had explained that while confronting their loss in the form of baby Rosie might feel like it would burn them too deeply, it was one way of facing the pain full on. The alternative was boxing it up and not letting it breathe and Keanu remembered doing just that after Ava. The only way his sadness and rage has made itself known for years was through acting. Otherwise it had been boxed away into his early 40s and when he did face it, its power after 6 years surprised and terrified him. He was determined not to do the same this time

The fact that they were no longer trying helped as did the fact that their time thinking she was pregnant was so brief. At least she hadn’t started to really think about when the baby was due and the future in too much detail. Having known friends who’d been through loss before, she knew that building a little dream future only to lose it was often the hardest part. Still, they were still letting go of a precious dream and some days that pain hit either one of them like a ton of bricks. 

Another aspect of life that helped the clouds to lift was that each had exciting new projects coming up that were going to keep them very busy. In anticipation of having no more free time, they booked a trip back to Italy. First came a week in Capri visiting Keanu’s sister Kim and then another week back in Taormina Sicily.   
They had a wonderful time despite Emily being laid low for a couple of days with a stomach flu but she made a swift recovery and they were able to enjoy their time visiting their favourite restaurant again and discovering historical sites that they’d missed on their first visit. They ended their trip in what was becoming a sort of tradition with them – a whole morning in bed where Keanu dedicated himself to bringing her to multiple orgasms before finally taking her to the edge of heaven, burying himself deep inside her.   
They vowed to take each day as it came, enjoy their work, live in the moment and love each other.

On her return Emily planned to get a coil fitted so she could stop using hormones and be secure with her birth control until she no longer needed it. After the ectopic pregnancy they’d used condoms briefly and then she’d restarted the pill. For the trip, Emily had deliberately left no gap between 2 courses of the pill towards the end of their holiday to avoid spoiling it with a period. Once she was back she could visit her gynaecologist and move forward.

A couple of weeks after their return to LA, Emily had her appointment about the coil. She explained her circumstances to the nurse who was sympathetic about what she’d gone through. The work up involved some blood tests, a smear and a pregnancy test just to be sure especially since she hadn’t had a period for almost 6 weeks by then. They made a follow up appointment for the following week with Keanu too since she recommended they have a chat with a counsellor before the coil fitting, just to make sure this was the best route for them as a couple. The coil would usually stay in place for a minimum of 5 years and since they’d had a relatively recent loss, they were a little cautious.

The next week they were madly rushing to squeeze in the appointment then run on to a training session for Keanu and a writers’ room for Emily.   
The doctor came into the consulting room to Emily’s surprise as she was expecting the counsellor or nurse she’d seen the week before to just run through the results and check in that Keanu agreed with their course of action.

“So, I have the results of your tests here and they mean we won’t be progressing with the coil fitting today”

Emily huffed a little, irritated that this whole procedure was becoming far less straightforward than she’d expected.

“Why not, what’s wrong?”

Actually nothing is wrong at all …… our tests indicate that you’re pregnant”

Their mouths fell simultaneously agape and they looked at each other in shock”

“that can’t be right, I’ve been on birth control ………….” Emily stammered. She was surprised to find herself less than pleased with this news. She squeezed Keanu’s hand as a   
wave of fear rushed through her. She wanted a baby so much but being pregnant had become inextricably linked with loss and despair. 

Keanu’s thoughts were much the same – after all, as far as he knew, he’d got two women pregnant in his life and both times had ended in disaster. 

“What birth control have you been using?”

“For the past 3 months I’ve been on the pill and I took 2 packets consecutively recently as we went on holiday”

“And have you had any stomach upsets or been on any other medication such as antibiotics?”

Emily started to shake her head but then Keanu tugged her hand

“you had that stomach flu in Italy, remember, you were throwing up for a couple of days ……. His voice drifted off and the doctor grinned

“That will likely be the reason” he said “the pill was probably not absorbed into the bloodstream when you were sick causing it to fail. It’s a very common mistake not to realise your birth control is compromised when that happens. Well why don’t we take a look to check what’s going on” he said beckoning Emily over to the consulting table. “We want to be sure everything is in the right place given your last pregnancy was ectopic.”

Still in shock, Emily lay on the table and eased her trousers down to reveal her flat belly. The doctor rubbed on the cold jelly and pulled over the wand of the ultrasound machine.  
Keanu felt light-headed. He realised he’d probably been holding his breath since the doctor started explaining how come she might be pregnant. He blew out his breath slowly, eyes fixed on the screen.

The screen showed the cone shape image in white generated by the ultrasound waves and within it the black oval shape of Emily’s womb came into view.   
“There it is” the doctor declared happily while Keanu and Emily both stared wondering what on earth he was taking about. Then he helped them, pointing to a little peanut shape within the dark circle whose image seemed to flash on and off.

“There, that’s it, do you see now?”

“Yeah but why does it keep disappearing? Keanu asked

“That’s its heart beating – I always think of it like a little lighthouse flashing to tell you it’s still there”

“So it’s in the right place, not ectopic this time” Emily asked, her voice wavering.

“Everything looks perfect” he smiled reassuringly at them both. “I tell you what, why don’t I just give you a minute alone. If you keep holding the wand right there you can watch your baby and get used to the idea. I guess it’s quite a shock”

“I’ll say” Keanu muttered softly.

As the door closed behind the doctor, Emily just stared at Keanu

“Oh my god this is …”

“unbelievable” he finished her sentence

“mmmm” she nodded

“I don’t think I’m gonna make my writers room” she laughed

“nor me my training” he agreed.

They turned and looked at the monitor again and sure enough there was the little flickering peanut letting them know it was there.


	8. Chapter 8

A couple of hours later they were back at home, lying on their bed staring at the ceiling lightly holding hands.

Keanu spoke first

“Is it OK with you that I’m more terrified than happy” he said turning to look at her.

“Thank god you said that first” she sighed “because that’s exactly how I feel. Like we’ve been sent back in time to possibly let fate have another go at beating us up!

“Come ‘ere” He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight against his chest.

“Well at least we’re on the same page!” he chuckled lightly “I know we saw it, in the right place and everything but about 5 minutes after we left I didn’t feel reassured anymore!”

“me neither!”

When Emily spoke again her voice was choked with tears

“It’s not fair is it, we should be thrilled and excited but that’s all been stolen from us”

“mmmmm but maybe that’s up to us? You know what’s that poem?”

“oh Kipling you mean? She recited ‘If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same”

“Yes that one, maybe we just try and remember that and take it one day at a time. I know it’s easy to think that expecting the worst makes it easier to face the worst but it probably doesn’t. I mean we’re not going to blindly assume it’s all gonna be a piece of cake, obviously but maybe we need to let ourselves be just a little hopeful?”  
With that he leaned over and lifted her shirt, pressing his lips to her belly

“Hey little one, please just stay put do you hear? And grow big and strong and come out screaming your lungs out, OK? Because we really, really want you, OK?”

He came back up then to kiss Emily, stroking her hair then kissing at the tears that had leaked out while he said his piece to the baby.

“I love you, more than anything or anyone ever and I know there are no guarantees but let’s just let ourselves imagine that next summer we get to meet this little person we’ve   
made and love them and see them grow up OK?”

She nodded, still too choked to speak.

The next week they had two important appointments. The first was with the obstetrician for another scan. The peanut was still there, heart beating away and they guessed that by now Emily was between 7 and 8 weeks along. They offered to repeat the weekly scans through the first trimester given their high levels of anxiety.

The next day they saw the counsellor.

Once they had explained the situation she asked Emily first how she was feeling.

“well I guess we just feel”

“let me just stop you there, you don’t have to speak for Keanu. He might very well feel many of the same things, but speak for yourself first – you might have some different worries”

“Well, I guess I was surprised how the news made me feel. Disappointed is not it exactly but we went to that appointment feeling, you know, purposeful and in control and when we left I felt” she paused “all at sea all over again and that made me” she paused again feeling ashamed at the next word she wanted to say

“angry”

“that’s not surprising – and how do you feel now?”

“well, still out of control - and the relief from the scan yesterday seemed to last about 3 hours before I started thinking maybe it’s already gone wrong!, but I’m trying, really trying to have a little hope, but I’m struggling if I’m honest’

“and you Keanu?”

“much the same”

“You are?! I thought you were getting hopeful, talking to my belly and everything”

“That’s just me trying to control my fear sweetheart, I’m as scared as you are!”

Emily’s shoulders relaxed from the tensed-up state they’d been in until now and she took his hand and squeezed it tight.

The counsellor asked a few more questions and let them voice their worries. Her main advice was to keep busy, keep talking and listening to each other and take one day at a time. She also reminded them that whatever happened, their thoughts weren’t going to change the outcome. Stress was to be avoided of course but thinking it might all go wrong or all go right for that matter wasn’t going to make it come true or make it easier to deal with either outcome.

Back at home Emily told him how relieved she was that he still felt the same fears as her. She’d started to feel like she was ‘letting the side down’ by not voicing more positivity. 

The following week, both Keanu and Emily got back to work having taken the previous week to acclimate themselves to the news. Keanu was busy training at 87/11 for an action movie as well as checking in with Arch and Emily was in the writers’ room for a new TV show. 

The next scan came and went, with another short window of elation and reassurance following it.

Emily hadn’t got many typical symptoms but the sickness has just started to kick in and she needed to eat to keep it at bay. Jane one of her fellow writers spotted that Emily who never normally indulged in biscuits was powering through them during the writers’ room sessions as well as bumping into her splashing her face in the bathroom after being sick. 

“You OK?”

“Yeah, yeah just been burning the candle at both ends” she lied.

Emily had never been an adept liar and felt like her lie was written all over her face and that the cat could be out of the bag. Jane was married to a presenter on Entertainment Tonight and she could just imagine her passing on what she’d seen to him and if anyone had spotted them at the hospital visits as well, the game would certainly be up!

At that week’s counselling session, the focus was all on people finding out, both those close to them and the wider public. They hadn’t told a soul so far. 

“so” the counsellor asked Emily, “can you tell me what it is in particular about people finding out that bothers you so much?”

“well if people know then it’s more real and then if it goes wrong ……” she trailed off

“if it goes wrong and people know, is it more real than if they didn’t?”

Emily smiled realising she’d had her so-called defence strategy unpicked.

“No, of course not, I guess it’s all just another way my stupid brain is trying to protect me huh?”

“It’s not stupid but you’re right, it’s a coping strategy. Let’s turn the idea on its head. If you lost your baby and no-one knew, how would that be? “

“Well I guess we could more easily pretend it never happened!” she said, giving Keanu a knowing look since he had confessed before that he’d done exactly that after Ava.

“but it would be pretty lonely too”

They talked some more about the potential value of support - regardless of the success or not of the pregnancy and they made the decision to tell close friends and family. 

They also talked about what to do in case anything leaked to the press.

They had never released a statement about the ectopic (one had been ready in case a member of staff had leaked it or if a member of public had seen them at the hospital) but no one had, fortunately. They would need to talk to Cheryl given the frequency of their visits to the Obstetrics Wing of the hospital. Keanu recalled that even in 1999 pre the days of social media, news of Jennifer’s pregnancy had got out when she was around 4 months along and they’d had to release a statement. Their chances of keeping it under the radar in today’s 24 hour news circus were slim.


	9. Chapter 9

Sharing the news with their friends and family was both wonderful and strange. Their hesitation to assume everything would be OK made them temper the excitement about the news and those receiving it were sworn to secrecy. But it was still joyous and Emily thoroughly enjoyed telling Chloe. 

She had gone to Chloe’s house as it was still pretty tough for Chloe to make it out of the house with a 4 year old and a baby who wasn’t yet 6 months old. Jamie was playing quietly with some toy cars and they were sitting watching him while Rosie was snuggled in Emily’s arms.

“so I have some news” Emily announced “but first you have to promise me two things.”

“Anything, what?”

“First you have to swear not to tell a soul and second, you have to remain calm. I don’t want you to freak out Jamie and Rosie?”

“He’s asked you to marry him hasn’t he?” Chloe squeaked

“no, actually no”

“Oh sorry, so what then?”

Emily handed Chloe her phone and told her to go to the gallery where she’d saved a copy of the latest scan photo.

Chloe’s hand clamped over her mouth as she fought to contain her reaction. 

“OMG” she whispered when she finally managed to breath a little easier. 

“When, how, Oh my god”

Tears were running down both of their faces now.

“In Italy, I was on the pill but I got a stomach bug and it interfered with it. We found out when I went to get a coil fitted but they said we couldn’t because I was pregnant!”

“How far along are you? Is everything OK, you know after ….”

“Almost 10 weeks. And yes it’s in the womb not my tube this time and so far so good but I’m still terrified if I’m honest”

“And Keanu, how’s he?”

“Same, happy and terrified!”

She filled her in on all the details and left a couple of hours later feeling so much better to have someone other than Keanu who knew.

Another 2 weeks passed with the scans at 10 and 11 weeks also showing the baby growing on schedule and with a healthy heartbeat. There was still no sign of the news escaping to the public and they felt grateful to have escaped so far. Emily sent smiley emojis and thumbs ups to Chloe after each scan.

Emily also had her first midwife appointment where she found out that the standard schedule would be an appointment or scan roughly every 3 weeks. She didn’t think she could cope without some kind of weekly check in until she could feel the baby moving so the midwife agreed to still see her weekly until the 20 weeks scan for a quick check in on the heartbeat. 

Emily took the chance to ask if it was safe now to have sex - they had been holding off anything penetrative and while Keanu was more than willing to pleasure her in other ways, she hadn’t even felt comfortable with having an orgasm herself so they’d just been coping with Keanu masturbating or her giving him a blow job for now. The midwife understood her worries but reassured her it would be perfectly fine for now to have penetrative sex and orgasms as long as she felt ready.

Their next appointment would be when they carried out the 12 week scan and a nuchal fold measurement to assess the risks of Down’s Syndrome. Emily went home armed with information about the risks and options to discuss with Keanu. 

As Emily drove home after the appointment she reflected on how this conversation might go – she had some instinct but she didn’t really know. Would he want to have the amnio if there was a slightly elevated risk. If they were having a Down’s child, would he want to abort? They’d never had cause to discuss their views specifically. Thankfully the conversation had been swift and conflict free. They both thought they would want to know and do an amnio if her risk was above average but neither would consider aborting a Down’s child. If there was something else seriously wrong that would mean the child had little chance of surviving or an extremely severe condition then they might reconsider but overall they wanted this child come what may. As it turned out the following week the scan showed she was at low risk especially given she was now 38. Crossing the 12 week point was a huge milestone, easing their terror to medium levels

“what are we on now?” Keanu joked, “is it like defcon 3 now down from a 2?”

“I’d say so since you just put a scan pic in your wallet and on your phone!”

“Do you want to go out for dinner? You know the counselling said it would do us good to allow ourselves to celebrate”

They agreed on their favourite Italian, Madeo where they knew the menu well and Emily figured she’d be able to choose safe options without having to ask obvious questions about ingredients. Whilst her stomach was thickening and becoming firmer, she could still make leggings, long boots and a fancy loose top work and a shawl thrown over would help to distract attention from the tiny bump.

They hadn’t eaten out together for 2 months so it was a treat to do something fun and ‘normal’

“you’re starting to glow did you know that” Keanu commented as they sat having their coffee and tea after dinner. 

She smiled seductively

“you old smoothie, fancy taking a girl home and showing her a good time?”

“you sure?” 

She nodded and giggled as Keanu hurriedly gulped down his coffee and beckoned the waiter to pay the check.

As the drove back to their home in the hills, it was with great anticipation that they each contemplated resuming this part of their relationship that had so recently been a part of daily life. Keanu’s hand rested on her thigh squeezing gently and rhythmically. Once home they wasted no time, going straight to their bedroom where he took her in his arms and kissed her with a mix of such passion yet also gentleness, it took her breath away.

With some of their clothes already littered on the floor, Keanu urged her to sit on the edge of the bed and knelt in from of her to unzip her knee high boots, easing them off and running his hands up her thighs.

He leaned in to kiss her belly whispering against it.

“maybe you should go to sleep little one coz Daddy’s gonna make mummy scream and move around quite a bit soon but don’t worry you’ll be safe inside your cocoon”

Emily giggled

“promises promises”

“Oh, you don’t think I can make you scream any more?”

“I’m happy for you to come and prove me wrong” she joked.

Keanu growled making short work of slipping his hands under her bottom to grasp the waistband of her leggings and pull them off in one go along with her panties. He gave her a hot look and sank his face between her legs, moaning as he tasted her for the first time in 6 weeks. He pressed the flat of his tongue over her entrance then began a sensuous onslaught on her clit, mixing rapid flicks, gentle sucking and slow rotations of his tongue around the rapidly stiffening nub of nerves. 

He soon had her quivering underneath him and she felt the tingling increase, the sensation like a spring coiling up inside, ready to snap. She gently rocked her hips up, pressing her pussy rhythmically into his face and he slipped one finger gently inside, curling it up and softly rubbing over the rough patch of skin. Her orgasm hit her at last, her screams filling the room, music to his ears. Afterwards, she lay back panting, red in the face, eyes closed, a smile on her face as she whispered

“Ok you win”

Keanu wasted no time crawling up onto the bed beside her, kissing her forehead 

“you OK?”

“mmmm I so needed that” she breathed. “Your turn now”

She urged him onto his back and climbed on top of him, pressing her pussy against his rock hard cock making him wince.

Sensing his need was urgent she wasted no time and lifted up to line herself up with him sinking slowly down on his thick member. They both groaned loudly – him at the heat that surrounded him and her at the girth filling and stretching her.

“You OK” he asked, a worried expression on his face momentarily.

She nodded starting to move up and down and he let his head fall back on the pillow, relishing the sensations in his cock and groin.

His hands ran up and down her arms sending shivers through her and he played gently with her tender nipples, marvelling at the more rounded shape of her breasts.

She lent back a little , allowing his cock to press right up against her g spot causing her to groan and press down on his chest to aid a more rapid pace.

His eyes squeezed shut as he felt the wild rush of orgasm start and he gripped hard on her hips as he thrust up dragging her 2nd orgasm out of her and reaching his own.

She fell down against his heaving chest, out of breath and quivering, placing soft kisses on his nipples, neck and mouth.

“I missed you”

“Me too, hope we didn’t disturb little one” he grinned

“I think they’re just fine” and for the first time, she realised that she really believed that.


	10. Chapter 10

Emily sat at an outside table at the Jinya Ramen bar, waiting for Keanu to join her for lunch. Afterwards they would have an appointment with the counsellor. She stretched her legs out, resting her hand on her large bump - she was now 33 weeks along.

She sipped on a mineral water and sighed, reflecting on the last 4 months, wondering how it had come to pass that this appointment felt like it was going to be more geared to relationship counselling than to helping them cope with the trauma of their difficult journey to and through pregnancy.

She had felt so happy after the 12 week scan. After they’d made love again for the first time since finding out they were pregnant, their sex life had got back to pretty much normal though he was always that bit more gentle with her than before. He had seemed more relaxed and confident too. He’d come to the first appointment with the midwife where they were able to hear the heartbeat - he was as thrilled as her to hear the rapid sound, kind of like a galloping horse, through the doppler machine.  
For the next few weeks after that, at the weekly check in he’d try to be there but if he couldn’t, she would ring him or record the sound if he couldn’t break out from what he was doing. They had both felt so tempted to buy a doppler machine to monitor the heartbeat at home but decided that might mean she’d just be wired up to it 24/7 and the midwife cautioned against it since finding the heartbeat could sometimes be tricky and that would only cause unwarranted anxiety.

Not long after that was when the press had found out - was that when things had started to change she mused? By 16 weeks, so few of her clothes still fit that she had decided to go on a shopping trip with Chloe as she didn’t want to order everything online and she loved clothes shopping with Chloe. They weren’t trying to be conspicuous but they’d gone somewhere quite fancy for lunch and a paparazzo had seen them there and followed them to a store afterwards, taking long range shots of them through the window in the maternity section of one store. With her growing bump on show there was no hiding now and the news got out. They themselves hadn’t participated particularly – Cheryl had just released a brief statement confirming the pregnancy and “the following summer” as the due date. Her Fellow writers from the show she was working on had congratulated her at work and her and Keanu’s phones were constantly bleeping for a few days with congratulations messages. Cheryl fended off numerous interview requests as neither of them felt ready nor that it should really be public business.

Each subsequent milestone had passed without a problem for the next 3 months. At 20 weeks the baby was healthy and on track developmentally. They decided to wait until it was born to find out the sex. Why spoil one of life’s only remaining surprises just because you could?

Probably the biggest thrill so far was when she’d felt the baby move for the first time – it was at around At 22 weeks and had felt like flutters of a butterfly’s wings or bubbles of gas in her tummy. A couple of weeks later it was what they had termed “somersault city” when at last he could feel it too. The weird feeling of the baby turning inside was so dramatic it had woken her up in the early hours and she’d woken him to share it, certain that it could be felt by him now too. His favourite thing after that was to sit on a chair when she had a bath and watch her belly wriggle as she lay in the warm water. And throughout the pregnancy, even during these recent rockier times, he’d continued to talk to the baby every day, loving how he got a reaction each time.

She first remembered Keanu seeming a little down and distracted at around 28 weeks. They had made a trip to a store to look at furniture and equipment for the nursery. She’d been contented to browse different styles of crib, nursing chairs and changing stations but he’d wanted to make quick decisions. She didn’t know if it was because he’d been recognised a couple of times outside in the mall or something else. Then once they’d made decisions, they’d almost had a row in the shop when the store assistant had asked for delivery details. She assumed it could all be delivered now while he said it could wait till when the baby had arrived or if not that long, could be stored at his mother’s home. She’d given in to the latter plan, determined to try and get on with setting up the nursery before too long - she wanted things ready well in advance of delivery.

At 30 weeks, childbirth classes had started - there were some nice couples there who Emily thought might even become friends but Keanu was standoffish. If she didn’t know him, she’d have said he was being stuck up! Again she gave him the benefit of the doubt – maybe he was shy or nervous of them because they might be weird given his ‘celebrity’ status.

The next thing that had made her start to think about seeing the counsellor again had happened just the week before. Keanu was due to do some press for a new film being released and Cheryl had come over to the house to talk to them together. They needed to decide whether to talk about the baby at all and if he did what to say. He’d very quickly cut off the conversation saying that he wanted Cheryl to inform all press that he only wanted to talk about the project or Arch. Emily had looked at him questioningly

“I just can’t” he’d said getting up and walking away out onto the patio.

Emily’s eyes had filled with tears. Cheryl saw and tried to reassure her

“I guess he knows he might get tongue tied or emotional and he’s on safe ground with the movie - and he wants the story to be the movie I guess”

Later that same week Keanu had met Autumn (an old friend and an old flame) for coffee and a photo of him hugging her and kissing her on the cheek had been posted on an online gossip site along with snide comments about him cheating - Chloe shared it with Emily, feeling she shouldn’t be kept in the dark even if it was probably all nonsense. When Emily showed him, he said he’d just run into Autumn by chance when stopping for a coffee and that she should know better than to read anything on such shitty websites.  
Em had burst into tears at his harsh outburst. It was the last straw building on his recent sullen mood, his unwillingness to bring home the things for the baby’s room and reluctance to talk about it and her to the press.

“I’m sorry baby” he said putting his arm around her. I didn’t mean to snap, it’s just ……….. “

“Just what?” she sniffed

At his continuing silence, she made a decision

“Please can we go back to see the counsellor?, I feel like we’re drifting apart just when we should be the closest we’ve ever been”

Keanu’s shoulders slumped and he nodded. “OK I’ll set it up”

Emily looked up from her musings as Keanu greeted her, arriving from another press interview about the new film release

“Did it go OK?” she asked.

“Yup, it was fine. There seems to be positive buzz around it so fingers crossed. You OK?, you looked a million miles away when I arrived!”

“Did I?” she sighed “just thinking over the past few months, thinking about what the counsellor is going to ask”

He nodded, taking hold of her hand and leaning in to give her a kiss “you know I love you don’t you?”

Emily blushed hoping they weren’t drawing unwelcome attention with his public display of affection. It was unlike him to do something like that and it gave her a little reassurance.

“and how’s the munchkin?”

“Bit quieter today. It’s getting kind of tight for space in there I think”

She caught the trace of a shadow crossing Keanu’s face but then she yelped in surprise

“you OK?” he asked immediately

She burst out laughing

“Yes, I just got kicked right up here” she pointed quite high up by her rib-cage “I think they want to make their presence felt”

His grin was wide

“that’s my boy ……. or girl” he said happily “let’s eat”

Their meal was relaxed and Keanu seemed happier than he had in a few weeks. 

At the counselling session she asked what had prompted the need to come back.

Emily was wondering where to begin when Keanu took a deep breath and spoke.

“It’s my fault” he began. “Even after everything we discussed before, about communicating our feelings and not believing that being positive can only lead to disaster, I’ve fallen back to my old ways”

“How so exactly?” she probed and he went onto explain directing his words to Emily more than the counsellor.

“I guess as things have gone on, instead of being more confident, I’m back to being shit scared ALL the time Em and I mean ALL the time and you’ve been so happy and excited, I didn’t want to spoil that with my dark thoughts. That’s why I didn’t want to bring home stuff for the nursery or talk to the press or make friends with other couples at the birthing class. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration with himself roughing it up as usual but his shoulders relaxed and it looked like a great weight had lifted off them now that he’d acknowledged his fears. Em reached out for his hand.

“I didn’t know what was bothering you and I didn’t ask either, I’m so sorry, this must be so hard on you after Ava”

“Have you talked to Emily about what happened with Ava Keanu?”

“Not really” he admitted “how would sharing that horror help?”

“Because then she can better understand why you feel the way you do. Talking about it won’t make it happen to this baby, remember. Denial and bottling up are not good coping mechanisms. Talking and being open are”

Later that night, as agreed in the session, they sat together on the sofa and Keanu had shared the details of the loss of Ava, starting with the frantic phone call to him on the set of   
“The Watcher” in New York after Jen had been told there was no heartbeat.

“God, she was just screaming and wailing down the phone, begging me to come home”

“God” was all Emily could say, the horror of it sinking in just a little.

“So I flew home straight away and on fucking Christmas Eve she had to deliver the baby naturally. You could hear the cries of other babies being born down the corridor but when   
Ava came out, all warm and beautiful it was just deafening silence”

“come ‘ere” Em said pulling him down so he could lean his head in her lap and let the tears out, great wracking sobs shaking his chest.

When he sat up he looked over at her, his expression wretched

“why? Why does it still hurt so much – it’s been fucking 21 years”

“it hurts because it was so awful and pain like that never goes away, you just cushion it and hide it I guess with the life and relationships that come after it”

“wow that’s deep

“what can I say?” she said smiling “I am a writer you know “I’m supposed to understand the human condition – just sorry I didn’t use those skills to see what was going on with you”

“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just didn’t want you to get scared of losing this little one” he said stroking her belly.

“You can’t stop me being scared hun, I am scared and maybe a little more each day as we get closer. It still feels like it could get taken away but every time they give me a kick or jump on my bladder and stop me sleeping then I feel OK. Maybe that makes it easier for me as well as the fact I didn’t go through what you did.”

He hugged her close and they went to bed feeling so much better for sharing their hopes and fears.


	11. Chapter 11

For the remaining weeks of the pregnancy Emily and Keanu made a pact to check in every day on how they were each feeling. Their short-hand was to say whether they were at O (Optimistic) or SS (Scared Shitless) or maybe somewhere in between. A day wasn’t to go by when they didn’t check in on their status.

Emily continued to work until her 36th week after which it became too much to sit in a writers’ room all day long. She needed rest for her brain and body. Keanu was still training but he’d cut down a little so he had more free time to spend with Emily as well as run her to appointments and oversee the decorating work to transform one of the guestrooms to a nursery.

The day after the session with the counsellor he’d hired a van and collected the crib and other equipment from his mother’s house determined to stop thinking of everything he did as a potential jinx.

Midwife appointments were weekly from week 34 – that was a little more than the norm but they both needed that reassurance as the baby’s movements got less with time – quite a normal pattern but not easy to deal with in their situation.

At the childbirth classes, Keanu was visibly more relaxed as well which helped Emily feel she could join in with conversations rather then hover on the edges to protect him. At one session the leader asked the parents to share their fears. Emily could sense Keanu visibly tensing and she caught his eye, subtly shaking her head and he nodded his agreement knowing exactly what she meant. Their main fear was the same and they had no desire to freak the hell out of everyone else there. They could just agree with someone else’s comments.

As they worked round the room, the leader asked Claire and Aiden, a couple Emily had liked from the beginning but not really talked to much, how they were feeling.

“well I really don’t want to bring everyone down”, Aiden said “but our biggest fear is that our baby dies, because our first was stillborn”

There was a sharp intake of breath from some and a sigh of relief from Keanu and Emily!

When it came to them, Keanu was able to say “We’re on the same page as Claire and Aiden and I think they’re really brave to share it in a room like this. I lost my daughter to stillbirth 21 years ago and we had an ectopic pregnancy last year, so yeah, that’s our biggest fear too. Rationally I’m confident it won’t happen but that doesn’t entirely stop the fear”

He looked at Emily who was kind of thunder-stuck to hear him share so openly with a group of strangers. He was so private normally but she knew speaking its name was a big part of helping him conquer the fear. She squeezed his hand and whispered ‘I’m so proud of you’ in his ear.

When the session was over, everyone stood chatting and Keanu went over to Claire and Aiden

“Listen, we were planning on grabbing a bite to eat after, do you fancy joining us? I know a place where they do really good noodles”

Aiden burst out laughing.

“’Really good noodles’ like in the Matrix?” he asked making air quotes.

Keanu chuckled, only then realising what he’d just said.

“Oh yeah sure - you remember that line?”

“Man every time I have noodles I think of it - am I too much of a Matrix nerd to have dinner with you two?”

“Nah, no man, it’s cool - and thanks”

Emily caught Claire’s eye and rolled her eyes skywards, smiling broadly at Aiden geeking out with Neo!

They headed over to the Jinya Ramen bar and had a good time getting to know each other a little better. Keanu repeated how brave he thought Aiden had been to speak up.

“I mean I was sitting there thinking “death man, death is my fear but that’s gonna fuckin freak them all out so I’ll just say some generic crap and then you were like ‘bam’

Aiden laughed.

“the things is, it really is my only worry and I thought, you know what, shit happens and people are scared of it so let’s just cut the crap and stop pretending!”

“Fair enough” Keanu agreed

“But you were brave too, being who you are, to just open up like that”

Keanu took a gulp of his beer

“Yes I don’t quite know what got into me, that was err, most unprecedented!”

They all burst out laughing then, recognising the Bill and Ted quote.

“Yes way” Aiden said clinking his beer to Keanu’s who grinned back thinking to himself “I like this guy”. Emily looked on, secretly thinking ‘bromance!’

By week 37, they were basically at the clock watching stage. Everything was ready and Emily spent most of her time reading, watching TV or sleeping. If Keanu was home when she took a nap, he’d join her and spend the time stroking the bump or leaning his head against it talking softly to the little one who’d usually make his or her presence known with a little shove of one if its limbs. Sometimes they’d kiss and pleasure each other though Emily was struggling to move easily so everything was tender and low key rather than intense. Neither of them really minded, their focus was all on meeting their child in just a few weeks.

Chloe had organised a Baby Shower, the hospital bag was packed and ready, the nursery was waiting stocked with nappies and neutral coloured baby-grows and a sort of birth plan was ready but they both knew they would have to go with the flow on that one.

“control what you can, like a playlist and speaker, your snacks, what t shirt you’ re going to wear and have an idea of your other intentions like pain relief and so on but just go with the flow on the day” was Chloe’s wise advice.

Through weeks 38 and 39, Emily had lots of false alarms when the Braxton Hicks contractions felt like they were the real thing beginning but still nothing materialised. They were well into week 40 when things actually got started.

It was mid morning on a Wednesday and while Keanu had confirmed that the contractions were in fact regular and he’d let the hospital know, they wouldn’t have to go in until 1 minute long contractions had been coming every 5 minutes for at least an 1 hour. For now it was every 10 minutes but varying in length and intensity. Emily chose the living room to either lie down or pace or sit on a birthing ball or hang onto Keanu’s broad shoulders to help breathe through the pain. At its worst, it felt like a really bad period pain or indigestion for now so mostly she could cope on her own and that’s kind of how she preferred it. She felt a bit like an animal, wanting to go into a quiet corner and have her baby out of sight of everyone! 

By lunchtime, the pains were definitely getting more intense but still only coming every 8 minutes. Keanu made them a sandwich then at around 2 she got her maternity swimming costume on and spent an hour floating in the pool. The sensation was soothing - they were hoping it would still be possible to use a birthing pool at the birthing centre but it wasn’t guaranteed. It would depend on her condition and if they were all in use by other mothers. Even Keanu’s money couldn’t guarantee a pool unless they had done it at home and neither of them had been of a mind to do that - they wanted every medical expert right on hand.

As evening was falling, the contractions actually seemed a little milder and were still only at 8 minute intervals so they ordered pizza take out. Later on Emily had a bath and to her annoyance, things were still no further on come bedtime so they settled in for the night wondering if she would sleep at all.

4am Thursday morning  
Emily woke with a start as a strong contraction tightened her stomach and made her groan with pain. Keanu sat up straight away – he’d been sleeping but only very lightly at her side all night and so was quickly fully awake.

“was that a big one?”

Emily nodded but didn’t speak since she was managing the pain by slowly breathing through it, kneeling up slightly and grabbing onto the headboard of the bed.

She relaxed when it was over, thinking there’d be a few minutes wait for the next one but it seemed to hit very quickly and she shot Keanu a nervous look.   
Breathlessly she asked Keanu to get his phone to check the gap.

“Fuck that was just 4 minutes he said, wide eyed as the next one came “ we gotta go”

Fortunately, she hadn’t got into nightwear, so they just needed to slip on some shoes, grab the bag, get in the car and go. Keanu was still a little freaked out that they had missed   
the 5 minute gap point but he knew in his rational mind that 4 minutes was what most advice said and they’d simply gone with 5 minutes to be super cautious! And it was still early and pre rush hour so there wouldn’t be any traffic.

As they set off and Emily gripped onto the door handle as another contraction hit, she joked

“just don’t drive like John Wick or Jack Traven OK!”

“No mam” he grinned glad of her lightening the mood just a little.

The empty streets and soft grey light across the city helped to calm them both down and within half an hour they were pulling into the birthing centre carpark.


	12. Chapter 12

In the birthing room, there was a set of French Doors leading out to a small garden. That was where Emily now stood leaning against Keanu, her arms around his neck and head against his chest as the latest contraction ebbed away. She was exhausted.

At least 4 hours had passed since they arrived and they’d spent as much of that time as they could doing circuits of the pretty enclosed garden space, just pausing to cope with each contraction.

“That one was 2 minutes hun, we should go in and see how you’re progressing, check on the munchkin too”

She nodded knowing he needed frequent reassurance more than anything that nothing was wrong, so they went in and called the midwife who confirmed Emily was now 6 cm dilated. The baby’s heartbeat was strong and steady. The sound felt like heaven to them both but especially Keanu who was still having a little trouble controlling the flashbacks to Ava’s birth even though everything really was so different. Jen has been distraught as had he and now Emily had a kind of serene calm about her, even when a contraction hit, she would focus on her breathing and connect with him which Jen, in her agony, had been unable to do.

“you’re in active labour now, Emily so things will probably start to move along a little faster. Do you want to get in the pool?” the midwife asked.

They’d been lucky that a room with a pool was available when they arrived and she agreed that now seemed like a good time to get in. She was so tired - she hadn’t really had much sleep in the last 24 hours.

The midwife encouraged Keanu to go and buy some breakfast for them both while she got Emily settled into the pool. He returned shortly later with a mix of sugary donuts for energy and some more sophisticated French patisserie as well as more water and a couple of energy drinks. Emily gratefully tucked in as did Keanu, both in dire need of a pick me up after the last few hours. 

After their food, progress seemed to step up to another level and Emily spent much of the next 4 hours on her knees leaning on the edge of the pool, fixing her eyes on Keanu’s as he breathed with her and whispered encouraging words to help with the pain. As the pain got worse, they brought the gas and air over and she began to take more breaths from it to deal with the most intense contractions. Every ten minutes or so, the midwife would have her lift up so the could listen in to the baby’s heartbeat and each time, Keanu knew he was holding his breath until he heard it and Emily would gently kiss his forehead, sharing his relief. He encouraged her to snack on the fruit they had brought along and sip on the energy drink though it was getting increasingly tough to fit much in between the contractions.

Suddenly after a particularly long, hard contraction Emily started to shiver, becoming agitated, first saying that she wanted to be sick then that she needed to use the toilet. Keanu looked over to the midwife

"Is she going into the next phase, errrm, transition isn’t it” he asked

“I think so, Emily, Emily can we have another look and listen please and then you can decide if you want to get out or stay in OK?” 

Emily nodded, still somewhat wide eyed and confused. She turned around so her belly was exposed again and let the midwife check the heartbeat first. She had to chase the baby around for a moment causing Keanu’s own heart to race momentarily. When he let out his breath with a loud puff at the sound of the heartbeat the midwife shot him a sympathetic look. They’d met with her before so she knew their history and had been very careful to reassure and sooth them through every step so far. Next she did the vaginal exam.

“Things are going great Emily, you’re already 8 cm dilated – just another 2 now. I know you’re tired but it won’t be long now. Have another drink of the energy drink, you need to keep hydrated.

Keanu spoke softly to Emily now.

“hey, remember how all this started Em, that day at the party? Holding little Jake? Well that’s going to be you soon, holding our baby. Just a little while longer and we get to meet them OK?”

She nodded, grabbing the gas and air mouthpiece as another contraction hit. For the next few contractions, Emily seemed to go inside herself, her expression a little glazed and she found herself needing to change positions with each contraction. On the midwife’s advice Keanu just made sure she could reach her drink and gently rubbed her shoulders and neck constantly whispering that she was doing great and was nearly there.

Another heartbeat check was quickly done then after about half an hour of this phase, the sense of calm seemed to return to Emily’s expression and Keanu breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn’t enjoyed seeing Emily look like she was a caged animal. 

Emily said she had to use the bathroom so they helped her out and wrapped her in a warm towelling robe so she could do so. Before she got back into the pool, the midwife checked her dilation and found she had at last got to 10 centimetres. Whilst she was technically now ready to push, the contractions had lulled for a little while and they each enjoyed that quiet time together, anticipating the baby’s arrival coming so soon. Back in the pool, she kept the same position, holding onto the side of the pool and facing Keanu as that was how she felt most at ease and meant she could focus on his eyes and reassuring words.

Once the pushing started, Keanu felt more purposeful again. With each contraction, he would let her squeeze his hands, grab onto his strong shoulders and make sure she steadily blew out her breath through the pushing rather than holding it by doing the breathing with her. Almost an hour had passed when a series of expletives left Emily’s mouth

“Oh God, Oh fuck it burns, shit shit, shit” 

“Hold onto me, you can do this Emily, keep pushing

“Baby’s crowning now Emily, I can see the head coming” the midwife encouraged.

“agghhhhhh” Emily yelled as the baby’s head was born.

“Ok the head’s out Emily, we’ll wait for the next contraction, keep your bottom down. Let’s get the body out next and then they’ll be here”

As the next contraction came, Keanu whispered “I love you” before bracing himself for the unbelievably powerful squeezing of his hands by Emily. With that last push and another yelp from Emily, the baby’s body propelled out of her and the midwife gently lifted the baby up out of the water and onto her chest. There was just a moment’s pause before a loud cry broke the silence, rapidly joined by a loud sob from Keanu who was leaning his head on Emily’s, still gripping her hand for dear life. He hadn’t even looked yet to see what the sex was so focussed was he on hearing that sound.

Pulling himself together, he raised his head and looked down at the baby, curled against Emily’s body, just the head above the warm water of the pool.

“We have a boy darling, she said, we have a boy” tears rolling down her face and that of the midwife.

After a few moments, the midwife took the little chap away to do her checks and weigh him while a 2nd midwife assisted Emily out of the water and onto the bed for the final stage. 

Keanu sat in the chair and took the baby in his arms when the midwife returned with him swaddled up and cosy.

“hello little man” he choked out “I’m your dad and that wonderful, beautiful lady there is your mum and we’re so so happy to meet you at last. Feels like we’ve been waiting forever.”

One week later, Emily found herself sitting on the sofa at home, baby Jonathan cradled on her lap snoozing after a feed and several girlfriends gathered around cooing happily at the new arrival. Claire , their friend from birthing class was amongst them holding her baby girl Emma who had been born 2 weeks before.

Keanu came through from the kitchen and stood captivated for a moment by the memory he was seeing recreated in front of him. A rush of pure love for his family filled his soul as Emily looked up and caught his eye mouthing ‘I love you’ just as he did exactly the same.

THE END


End file.
